One Hour a week: 5 things that will make her smile

An efficient approach to marriage in today’s hectic world

I just celebrated a milestone anniversary with my wife in Paris. For our 20^th anniversary we were fortunate enough to spend it in an amazing city together. Suddenly, and for the first time in my life I have people asking me “what’s your advice for a long happy marriage”. Oh god, when did this happen? Apparently the 20^th anniversary is when you cross the chasm from “that’s nice congratulations to you” to “wow you’ve been married a long time how did you do it?”… Well in the Coaching world ADVICE is a bad word so I’m going to give you my EXPERIENCES and what has been successful for me and I’ll let you draw your own conclusions:

1. Keeping fresh flowers in the house: (10 minutes a week) I know a cliché right? But it’s fast and easy and quite simply it works. You can pick up flowers everywhere from the grocery store to the gas station these days. But the trick for efficiency is to buy the freshest one’s that will last the longest. I’ve found Trader Joe’s and Costco (believe it or not) work best for me in Southern California. Remember the longer the flowers stay fresh the longer the smile. However, if they’re wilting and brown get rid of them quickly because dead flowers don’t make anyone smile.

Hint: She’s allergic? OK then go buy 3 arrangements of silk flowers and rotate them to keep it looking fresh. She’ll appreciate the effort and it will shave 15 minutes off the above time and in the long term you will save money over buying fresh flowers.

2. Familiarize yourself with the Grocery store: (25 mins a week) Notice I used the word “familiarize” and that was intentional. In my household we share the grocery responsibility. I mean come on people it’s not the 1950’s. Who doesn’t share in picking things up at the store? I used to hate going to the grocery store because I would walk the aisles with my list in hand checking things off like I was in a treasure hunt. If I happened to stumble down the aisle that held the can of diced tomatoes on my list, I was looking for people to give me a high five. It was a giant inefficient time suck out of my day. Now I’ve made it a point to study and make mental notes of where things are so I can go to them with almost pinpoint accuracy. Ok that might be an overstatement but I can at least recall that dairy is in the back of the store with the meats and deli counter, bakery is on my right and produce is on the left (where they also sell flowers see above). In the middle three aisles somewhere is boxed pasta, cereal and juices. Just having these categories in my head allows me to be in and out of the store with maximum efficiency. Dividing this responsibility is bound to bring a smile and doing it efficiently is a bonus for all.

 

Hint: Go early in the morning to avoid crowds and if I have a list of less than 15 things I always opt for the basket you hold versus the rolling cart. This allows you to quickly dart in and out of aisles without the cart that adds time navigating it around the corners and other shopper’s carts.

 

3. Celebrate the important things: (10 mins a week) This particular point is an important one for me because there was a time in my life when an anniversary or a birthday was just another number. Ok so I’m 36, 41, 33 now or she was 28 or 32 yesterday. We’ve been married now for 8 years. So what? What’s the big deal? We would get cards for each other and skip the gifts and big celebrations. Sometimes we’d try and plan a trip but it would get cancelled in the midst of our hectic work travel schedules seldom to get rebooked. Now we make a point of celebrating the birthdays, anniversaries and holidays together and it makes a huge difference. When was the last time you planned a trip together? Suppose you make a date to sit in front of your laptop with a glass of wine and actually book your trip? The smile will last as long as you’re booking it and then multiple smiles will come during the buildup and anticipation of the trip. Maybe it’s a special dinner at your favorite place. I’ll make the time to book the reservation and surprise her by telling them it’s a special occasion. If the restaurant is any good they’ll make an effort and you will look like a hero. If she’s not into the public displays then maybe an after dinner drink at the bar and deeper conversation is in order. In these scenarios Uber can be a lifesaver (literally and figuratively) so nobody needs to worry about driving home. Whatever makes it feel like a celebration to the two of you will make life much happier when taking the time to enjoy the milestones together.

Hint: Did she have a rough day or week? An unexpected card just saying “I missed you when we were apart” or “thanks for all that you do” will almost certainly bring a smile. For optimal benefit leave it on her pillow at night so it’s one of the last things she reads before going to sleep.

 

4. Buy her things that make her feel attractive. (10 minutes a week) Come on. We all are online with multiple portals open at all times taking in massive megabytes of information. If you spend just a little less time on fanduel or ESPN you can run a quick google search that will tell you the fashion must have’s of the current season.   Does she have that fashionable fur trimmed collar coat that everyone’s wearing? What makes HER feel attractive? Just figuring this out about her will show that you took the time and energy to do a little investigation. Maybe the trick is products that pamper her skin or hair? What about a pair of tall boots or pumps? There are endless selections available on Zappos, Zulily or Amazon and they arrive at your home mostly the next day. Now admittedly this is a little easier for me I believe because I’ve spent the past 20 years in the footwear business. Trust me when I say you don’t have to be a fashion expert to spend 10 minutes a week searching things that make her feel good about herself and are also trendy. And nothing beats the smile that comes from a package arriving at the house that contains something unexpected that you bought for her. The compliments she receives while wearing it will bring a smile and she’ll look at you with a knowing nod.

Hint: Almost every online retail site has a very lenient return policy. It’s kind of their duty since what you’re purchasing can’t be felt or touched in person. If you’re not happy with it for any reason (wrong size, color looks different than online) you basically put it back in the box and send it back with a label they provide. Then she gets to pick out what she exchanges it for. Shopping (online or in person) will almost certainly bring a smile.

 

5. Lighting is more important than you’d think: (5 minutes) So I saved the best for last because it’s one of the biggest bangs for the buck from an efficiency and effectiveness perspective. First, I’m a total sucker for candles, fires (in the fireplace) and dim lighting. So much so that my wife jokingly refers to me as “Lumiere” from the Disney movie “Beauty and the Beast”.   Anyway, I believe lighting is crucial in establishing one’s mood. Have you ever had a rough day and come home to a house glowing with the soft light of a crackling fire or candles twinkling? Suddenly things don’t seem so bad. For me and my wife I believe it’s like crossing over into a sanctuary and an overwhelming sense of being home. I’m a big believer in dimmer switches and I have them all over my house! I had a friend whose wife would always say at dinner parties “we all look better in dim light” as she turned down the lights which I always found hilarious but true. The next time you have an electrician to your home for a project identify one or two switches that you’d like to have a dimmer installed and give it a try. It works remarkably well when setting a mood. Is it a Friday night mellow start to your quiet weekend? Soft lighting and candles with some music is a great way to begin. It’s something that I’ve dabbled with over time before ever reading about all of the studies that link mood to lighting. Once you’ve got your dimmers and candles staged then the efficiency of “setting the mood” takes literally seconds a day.

Hint: If the thought of blowing out real candles all the time or the odor of them are a turnoff then look for the many electronic candle options available now. Many of them come with remotes and timers to maximize battery life and ambiance.

 

So there you have it with my experiences. An hour a week to make the person I chose to spend my life with smile. Seems like a pretty easy tradeoff to me. What’s your fabric?